today, i woke up to thoughts about
my our upcoming wedding, went to work for a pointless and overwhelmingly frustrating training, taught 2 classes, went to 1 meeting, drove home early to avoid traffic, took a quick carrot break, worked for 2 more hours, cooked dinner, prepared lunch for tomorrow, and then proceeded to work on my master thesis for 2 hours. i have been going non stop for about 12 hours..but it seems like a life time. time to tap out.
true to form, i am already planning my victory party. the endless black hole that is teach for america has been a wondrous, stressful, unpredictable, inspiring, heart wrenching ride. i think of my first year juggling all these things and i couldn’t get myself to warm up food let alone cook it. i truly think that i have made progress, but today i am reminded that it is not enough. if anything, these two years have challenged me to do more, to be more.
as i begin to reflect on what’s next after my after party, i quickly become obsessed with perfection. i would love to perfect my practice. to engage in endless empowerment. to be a part of the (bigger) change i wish to see. it is easy to think of the possibilities but the unclear steps to make it there make my intrepid nature, fearful. the ambiguity is all at once, exhilarating and dreadful. consuming and liberating. how do i collapse the binaries that i have been socialized to believe in?
my intention for the next 25 days is simple: do not sprint. i am well aware that my lifestyle is not sustainable so i must do what i have never done before: take my time. seek balance. say yes to myself by saying no to others. it is my current hustle, my endless grind, and in the end, it is what it is – mine. (only child alert lol)
[update on this month’s prayer]
feb.4 – “this week’s prayer: God be over my daily movements. surprise me with something beautiful. continue to help me find my new adventure.”
feb.8 – my friends and i took a trip to tahoe and due to lack of planning (and laziness) we had to hike up an icy hill, at 12:00 AM, with no lights, for almost a mile, with all of our food, luggage, and beddings. lol. it was definitely an adventure and the next day, we played here:
this month’s prayer: to once again, find that place of peace by trusting Him with my big dreams & to be overwhelmed by his supernatural power … hmm…i’m exciting 🙂
slow and steady wins the race friends. peace.